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That's A Reindeer, Stupid! A Plodes Christmas

by The Plodes

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1.
Yes, I know I've gained weight Joined the Y, but it's hard to lose Any more observations? Yes, I know there's holes in my shoes No, I don't have a girlfriend I'm uptight cuz you make me uptight Don't be passive-aggressive Didn't want us to fight tonight Fer Chrissake, it's Christmas Didn't fly here to make a scene For fuck's sake, we're family Save the freakshow for Halloween Fer Chrissake, it's Christmas We've been over this before This is why we don't talk no more I'm not ready to fight this war So help me, I'll slam the door Fer Chrissake it's Christmas Yes, I went veg again I'm sure the ham's fine, chill out No, I still don't watch football It's not something I care about No, I didn't vote Liberal You know I vote NDP Yes, I still work in retail Thanks for the economy Fer Chrissake, it's Christmas Didn't fly here to make a scene For fuck's sake, we're family Save the freakshow for Halloween Fer Chrissake, it's Christmas We've been over this before This is why we don't talk no more I'm not ready to fight this war So help me, I'll slam the door Fer Chrissake it's Christmas Fer Chrissake, it's Christmas Didn't fly here to make a scene For fuck's sake, we're family Save the freakshow for Halloween Fer Chrissake, it's Christmas We've been over this before This is why we don't talk no more I'm not ready to fight this war So help me, I'll slam the door Fer Chrissake it's Christmas
2.
I am George Bailey and I love my kids and wife But things have gone to Hell, so I decided to end my life But on that fateful Christmas night... Clarence, I wanna live again I really really really really wanna live again Clarence, I wanna live again I really really really really really really wanna live again He found me at my weariest and most well-worn And showed me what life would be like if I had never been born Nobody knew me and my brother died at nine And every man aboard that military transport died He wasn't there to save their lives Clarence, I wanna live again I really really really really wanna live again Clarence, I wanna live again I really really really really really really wanna live again Then he snapped his fingers and it all went wrong And nobody knew me and even Zuzu's petals were gone I never gave much thought to when a bell would ring That was, until Clarence told me the damnedest thing That's how an angel gets its wings Clarence, I wanna live again I really really really really wanna live again Clarence, I wanna live again I really really really really really really wanna live again
3.
Born in a barn to a teenaged mom four years before his birth With X-ray vision and super speed and a brain the size of Earth He wore a big "J" on the front of his shirt He loves everybody on this ball of dirt From the geriatrics to the embryos His real name was Josh but everybody knows him as the Sandal-wearing, table-flipping, money changer-hating Superpowered Palestinian baby He was King of the Jews and of mattresses, too Superpowered Palestinian baby He banished demons with compelling fists He was a tradesman by trade and a communist His nuclear fingers cured leprosy And he had several disagreements with the Pharisees Sent by his father in a golden spaceship when their planet was destroyed He used and electromagnetic forcefield to repel an asteroid He was made of bread and he never peed He mastered winemaking with unusual speed He liked to shove mud into blind people's eyes He probably wore a kind of tunic and was fly for a rabbi He's the wooden cross-carrying, crown of thorns-wearing Superpowered Palestinian baby He could talk to bees and got mad at fig trees What a neato Palestinian baby He liked Archers of Loaf, filled in on bass for Phish Went on a couple of dates with Lillian Gish He was friends with woodland critters both large and small And he was more than likely five foot one inch tall He's the Nazarethan, Gallilean Aramaic-speaking Superpowered Palestinian baby His pronoun was "him", he had a brother named Jim Superpowered Palestinian baby His messages were cryptic and his words are twisted And most scholars agree he probably existed He said it was okay to eat decapods Some people even think he was the son of God
4.
Have a balmy commie Christmas, tell me what is to be done? The lumpenproles are in the cold, but we can still have fun Have a balmy commie Christmas, and when you march in the street Wave your sign; perhaps in time, we'll topple that elite Ho, ho, politburo Unionize your firm Create that surplus value But do it on your terms Have a balmy commie Christmas, make the bourgeois shake with fear Douglas, Tommy; have a balmy commie Christmas this year Have a balmy commie Christmas, we must work towards it still Scrooge last night was filled with fright, he dreamed he saw Joe Hill Have a balmy commie Christmas; when you read Das Kapital Find some friends and you'll pretend to make sense of it all La la, a coup d'etat Bloodless as can be Reform or revolution? It's all the same to me Have a balmy commie Christmas, time to join the DSA Call dad and mommy, have a fully commie Christmas today Balmy, commie, balmy, commie, balmy, commie, oh... Have a balmy commie Christmas, it's a time of year that rocks Mistletoe with Uncle Joe -- just kidding, we're libsocs Have a balmy commie Christmas, you know what's good for you And you can show to folks you know that they can have it too Yes, yes, false consciousness is hard to penetrate But don't be condescending Don't become what you hate Have a balmy commie Christmas; what a havoc we will wreak On the economy; have a balmy commie christmas this week Douglas, Tommy; have a balmy commie Christmas this week

credits

released December 4, 2020

REID BLAKLEY - guitar, vocals
JACKSON McDONALD - bass, lead vocals on "Clarence, I Wanna Live Again"
EVAN MATTHIESEN - drums

"Have A Balmy Commie Christmas" features l'Orchestre Dans-La-Boîte:
ALAIN TREMBLAY - guitar
SYLVAIN BELCHER - 2nd guitar
JEAN-PAUL MORISSETTE - accordion
MARIE-CLAIRE ROCHON - double bass
CAMILLE ROY - percussion

Recorded by Evan Matthiesen at the Rat Shack in Victoria, BC (Lekwungen Territory)

"Fer Chrissakes It's Christmas" and "Superpowered Palestinian Baby" written by Reid Blakley (SOCAN)
"Clarence, I Wanna Live Again" written by Jackson McDonald
"Have A Balmy Commie Christmas" parodies "A Holly Jolly Christmas" by Johnny Marks (ASCAP) with new lyrics by Reid Blakley

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The Plodes Vancouver, British Columbia

Even our moms don't think we're cool.

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